I've kept my darkest thoughts at bay this week, unlike last year, but it's really hard to do today. Jessica was on life support from the very early hours of today, three years ago, and she died now.
I can still remember how it felt three, two and one year ago, and it isn't the same now. The pain is still there but not quite in the same stabbing way.
Anyone who doesn't know bereavement will say that I'm 'moving on', but you don't move on, ever. You learn to live with your bereavement, hard as it is, and you carry it like an amputation. Most days now I'm just aware of my missing limb and work around it with a sadness, and some days like today it hurts like the day it was ripped off without anaesthesia.
A lovely and kind card was just delivered from a friend of Jessica's, of ours: 'We're always thinking of Jess and remembering the great times we spent together,' it reads. That's what I'm doing today as well, but it's hard not to also think how the good times still could be.